It starts out bad, just keep reading, it seems dark, but really its bright.
My first marriage was a disaster, of epic proportions. We knew each other two months, and then we were pregnant. Being a typically non-traditional woman, I made some very traditional choices. I moved in with him, promptly got engaged, eloped to avoid being pregnant in white in front of the people who I knew/imagined would be judging me, and then moved far away from any family and friends I had.
I ignored red flags, things that would have easily explained that we were fundamentally incompatible, then I ignored the red flags of abuse, and ended up becoming a poster child for dysfunctional spouses. I lied, I said things I would never be able to take back, I put my children first, didn’t make any effort what-so-ever, resented everything he said, did, glanced at. It was the worst five years of my life, I love my children, but if I could take it all back, get those years back but come out on the other side with my two love bugs, I would do it in an instant.
My ex-husband and I brought out the absolute worst in each other, we still do. I fall right back into the resentful bitch I created whenever he is even near me. The hurt, the depth of the pain, it’s still too strong, I honestly don’t believe there will ever be a time where I am not able to recall that pain with just the slightest of efforts. He is not without fault, after all it takes two to tango. But in all of this I had to accept blame, despite the abuse, despite the horrible things he said to me of which I can’t seem to scrub off of my soul no matter how hard I try, I allowed it to happen, I was cruel back, I outright ignored the fact that everything he wanted in a spouse was the opposite of who I was in the deepest depths of my soul.
In the end, the bitter end, I left because he was in love with another woman. Of all the things we did to each other, of all the things he did to me, falling in love with someone else was kindest, most wonderful thing he ever did. She saved my life, without her, the “other woman”, I would have probably stayed. I’m happy something deep inside allowed me to see that him loving someone else, was my ticket to freedom.
Before people tell me I should have tried harder, or tell me we should have sought counseling, let me be clear. We would have had to change every fiber of our being, it is cruel to ask someone to do such a thing. I lived with that very real notion and someone demanding it for five years, hint: you will fail.
But there was light, bright as the sun, shining in every corner of my world when I met MM. Its amazing how certain people can show us the best aspects of ourselves. How love can make us strive to be better than we are for no other reason than to make the other person smile for an instant.
This time, this second chance, I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes, go down the same paths, or retrace my steps. I wasn’t going to dwell on the past and hold him accountable for the wounds someone else created. That is where this whole thing is going, letting go.
I had to let go of the notion that another man could hurt me in that way. I realized if I truly learned my lesson, I would be able to ensure it never happened again. When I let go of those thoughts, when I released myself from that guilt, the weight came off my shoulders and I was no longer a victim or an accomplice in the horrible things that happened in my life, I was in control.
This was also the first gift I would give MM. The promise of a fresh start, a new relationship free of the torment I would have taken out on him worrying about the mistakes of my past lovers. I was able to give him the trust he deserved, the respect he deserved, treat him the way he deserved to be treated.
We must remember, male or female, abuse survivor or widow/er, whatever our circumstances, we owe it to ourselves to start with a clean slate each time, and also owe it to the person we’ve chosen. Take each new relationship as a new day where you can chose the fate.
A bit long for my first foray, but words I wanted to share. I hope to share my own, unoriginal ideas on relationships and living your best life each and every day, maybe some other quips with you. Of course, only if you let me.
Cheers
